My finger taps.

I sit here.

Heart beating.

Finger tapping.

Waiting…

Waiting…

I relocate, unexpectedly, from Australia, and return to Auckland.

My home.

My comfort zone.

I sit.

I wait.

Patiently.

Thoughts rage in my head.

What am I doing?

Where am I going?

…

My finger taps.

Voices swirl around like a cyclone in my head.

Well intended people comment.

“I know what’s best for you”

“Settle down”

“Get a stable job”

“Have a family”

“Do this”

“Do that”

…

My mind entangles.

My finger taps.

My lips -like clockwork, as if without a thought-  smile.

…

That’s the right thing to do, right?

Smile?

That’s what they want, right?

A smile?

…

A forced, painful smile.

To appease.

…

My mind hurts.

My finger taps.

…

I sit and realise that my life has been one that has sought to please.

Others.

Strangers even.

Others.

…

I’ve spent so long trying to please others, that to be asked the question “what do YOU want?”, almost seems rhetorical.

I’m dumbfounded.

Speechless.

…

My mind cries.

My finger taps.

…

I don’t know.

I really.

Don’t.

Know.

…

I realise then, that there are so many voices in my head-

Friends

Family

Acquaintances

Strangers

Pastors

Well-intended people

They’re so loud, that I’ve forgotten what my own one sounds like.

…

My mind toils.

My finger taps.

…

So used to pleasing others.

Humans.

That I’ve forgotten what pleases me.

What brings my heart to life.

…

Arghhhhhh!

…

My mind battles.

My finger taps.

…

Chaos.

Craziness.

Teary eyes.

Heavy heart.

Low spirits.

Inward conflict.

Internal mayhem.

…

Then.

A whisper.

A gentle, soft whisper.

…

“Be still”.

…

Amidst the chaos.

The craziness.

The layered conversations in my mind.

I hear that faint, barely audible whisper.

…

Still.

Calm.

Soothing.

Quiet.

Gentle.

Loving.

…Loving

…

“Be still”.

Though I don’t understand.

I listen.

I obey.

I still.

…

“Do you trust Me”?

…

This question that I am asked, is quickly turned to a question I must ask myself.

“Do I trust You”?

…

My finger taps.

…

..

.

Do I trust You?

My mind races.

My finger taps.

My lips smile.

…

If nothing else.

If no one else.

I.

Trust.

You.

…

My heart stills.

My mind untangles.

My finger ceases.

…

I think.

I realise.

I understand.

…

Though the voice of others clutter my mind, though I sometimes can’t hear my own voice, my own heart. A whisper comes, and reminds me. That I can trust Him.

I may not be able to trust everyone in this world. At times, I may feel like there is no one I can trust at all. But what I realise is this.

Though Man may let me down.

Though Man may unintentionally try to lead me down their well intended wrong paths.

It is God I can trust.

…

In this stillness.

In this clarity.

In this moment of serenity.

He poses the question to me again.

“What do you want?“

…

My heart is still.

My mind is clear.

My finger does not tap.

…

For I know exactly what I want.

Truly.

Sincerely.

Honestly.

…

I want Jesus.

More than anything else.

More than everything else.

I.

Want.

Jesus.

…

But there is  one question left to ask.

…

What do YOU want?